BSTV
Fame Makeover Gag
May 19, 2005
Transcript by Liz
Narrator: Meet Olympic ice skating champion Tara Lipinski. Tara's agreed to be a celebrity judge on what she believes to be a genuine talent competition called 'Fame Makeover'. Tara thinks her judge is a world renound talent scount and that the acts they are about to see, are real. Well, she's wrong because the scout and all the performers on the show, are a triple axel full of B.S.
[Paul, a piano player walks on]
Tara: Hello.
Talent Scout: Hello Paul.
Paul: Hello.
Talent Scout: What are you going to play for us today?
Paul: A jazz piece that I wrote.
Talent Scout: Okay. Off you go.
[Paul plays his piece]
Talent Scout: Oh dear. Tara...
Tara: I thought it was original and I think that you should, you know, keep pursuing it and you never know what can happen.
Paul: Okay.
Talent Scout: Mmmm. That is the sort of out-of-date, pointless, flemmy, sickly jazz crap that has no place, at all, in today's entertainment business.
Paul: Well, I think... that...
Talent Scout: Hold on..
Paul: ... there is a place for it.
Talent Scout: You reminded me my grandmother, your style, because she's incontinent, yea. She's constantly churning out crap, all day long. Now you are.
Paul: I have, you know, sort of...
Talent Scout: Bye, bye.
Paul: ... idols in my...
Talent Scout: Bye
Tara: No...
Talent Scout: Bye bye
Paul: Alright. Alright. Thank you.
[Paul leaves]
Talent Scout: What a little short ass.
[Tara's mouth is wide open with a shocked and upauled expression on her face]
[Next performer walks on]
Talent Scout: Sir, what's your name?
Jim: Jim Catchman
Talent Scout: [writing doodles on his notepad, not even looking up at Jim] What's your thing? What do you do?
Jim: I'm an actor, uh, a comedy actor.
Talent Scout: So this is a comedy piece that you wrote, yea?
Jim: Yes.
Talent Scout: Ok.
Jim: [starts his piece] Man: Michelle, the cutest girl in my office was on a date with me, tonight. Woman: [in a girly voice] Oh my god, we were having so much fun....
Talent Scout: [cuts Jim off] You're rubbish! Get off!
Tara: No.. I... no...
Talent Scout: You're rubbish! Get off!
Tara: Wait! No, no, no, no. Let's just see like, the rest. Go ahead, finish it.
Talent Scout: No, look. I'm being a heckler. At a club.
Jim: Oh.
Talent Scout: yea?
Jim: [starts his piece again ] Man: Michelle, the cutest girl in my office was on a date with me, tonight.
Talent Scout: [to Tara, during the piece] He looks like a stalker. [cuts Jim off again] No, you're rubbish. Get off. I'm not being a heckler now, I'm being honest. Rubbish. Go away.
Jim: It's not really stand up as it is a one man show. Like theater, like...
Talent Scout: Let me try and spell it out for you... S - * - * - T. Ok?
Tara: That's harsh.
Talent Scout: The truth always is. You look like a serial killer.
Tara: No he doesn't.
Talent Scout: He does. I bet there's a few drifters burned in the trunk of your car, isn't there?
[Tara's mouth drops open and her eyes get huge]
Tara: No, it's, no. I don't think... I think it's just... he probably just doesn't like, I don't know.
Talent Scout: Are you still there?
Tara: Criticisms good.
Talent Scout: You know what? All I ever hear is rubbish tv producers with rubbish ideas, big mouths, and arrogant
[Tara's eyes get big]
wannabes like that stupid burke.
Tara: Well, I don't think it has to do with like, the country dude.
Talent Scout: I don't know. That's what I'm hoping to be proved wrong about.
[Tara has a puzzled expression on her face]
Narrator: Back on the set of Fame Makeover, ice queen Tara Lipinski is slowly melting under the heat of fellow judge Paul's brutal comments. But what Tara doesn't know, is that Paul, the starry-eyed hopefulls, and, the entire show, are completely FAKE.
[Next performer walks on]
Steve: I'm Steve. I'm going to be doing a Shakespearean monologue tonight.
[Steve begins his monologue]
Talent Scout: [during Steve's monologue, to Tara] I wonder who ate all the pies...
[Tara has a puzzled look on her face]
[Steve finishes his monologue]
Tara: The one note I'd have is just to really feel it. I think if that came out a a little bit more.
Steve: That's good advice. I've had that advice before too.
Talent Scout: The writer was obviously William Shakespeare...
Steve: Mmm, hmm.
Talent Scout: ... but the performer, was wobble bum cakes-peare.Look at the size of you man, you've got a waist line the size of the equator.
Tara: That has nothing to do with it.
Talent Scout: I could see you on Broadway.
Tara: Mmm, hmm.
Talent Scout: And that's if I was standing in Brooklyn.
[Tara is speechless, but shakes her head no]
Steve: Thank you very much for your...
Talent Scout: No, no, no, wait. Hang on a minute.
Steve: No, I'm not gonna hang on a minute. [walks off]
Talent Scout: No. Don't walk off, run. I'd probably be better for ya. I can't belive he was that rude to me just then. [to Tara] By the way, what are you doing later?
Tara: Um... I think tonight, I uh...
Talent Scout: I'm staying at the Four Seasons if you'd like to pop by and have a drink or whatever.
[next performer walks on]
Tara: Uh, I think I had plans. I have to... she's waiting so lets... [to the performer] Hi.
Talent Scout: [to performer] Hold on a sec. [to Tara] So tonight your busy?
Tara: Yea, and tomorrow night I think I have an audition tomorrow night.
Talent Scout: Right, lets talk about this later.
Tara: Okay.
Talent Scout: Alright, sorry. Whats your name?
Nikki: Nikki.
Talent Scout: And what are you gonna do for us tonight?
Nikki: A combination of modern and jazz.
[Nikki performs her routine]
Talent Scout: [as Nikki's performing] Oof.
[Nikki finishes]
Talent Scout: Well, as they do in the Olympics, Tara. [Holds up a folder paper that says 'totally graceful'] Totally graceful.
Nikki: Thank you.
Talent Scout: Totally graceful. [unfolds the paper, which now includes 'dis' in front of graceful] Totally disgraceful. It was aweful. I think there's an area of the dancing business you could go into.
Nikki: What's that?
Talent Scout: Stripping.
[Tara tuns and looks at Paul, puzzled]
Tara: Where did you get that?
Talent Scout: Well, what else is she gonna do, really? Be honest with her. That's the only way you'd ever get to see me again, if you started stripping.
[Tara has a grossed out look on her face]
[Nikki leaves, scene cuts to Tara and Paul]
Talent Scout: What nights did you say you were free this week?
Tara: This week is so bad, um.
Talent Scout: Where aboust do you live?
Tara: Um... just like uh, about 30 minutes from here. [nods]
Talent Scout: On the coast?
Tara: No, I'm more inland.
Talent Scout: Where aboust?
Tara: In Beverly Hills.
Talent Scout: What street is it?
Tara: [laughs] Why?
Talent Scout: Just in case we don't get to hook up over the weekend, I can always come.
Tara: [points to his ring with her pen] Are you married?
Talent Scout: Yea but, she's an idiot.
Tara: Oh my god. That is horrible.
Talent Scout: It doesn't matter, does it?
[Tara's face turns to a look of shock and amusement]
Talent Scout: Would it help if I wasn't?
Tara: No, it has nothing to...
[Paul removes his wedding band and puts it on the table]
Tara: No, no, no, no.. [laughs] Alright...
Talent Scout: I'm not married. Single man.
Tara: Oh my god. [laughs] This is so wierd.
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